Talking to Children
It’s important to talk to your children about what is going on. Here are some tips.
It’s essential to recognize the importance of discussing witnessed abuse or violence with children who have lived in a domestic violence (DV) environment. These conversations can significantly impact their emotional and psychological health. Open, age-appropriate communication helps children process their experiences and feelings, which is vital for their overall well-being.
By addressing the issue openly, you can provide support, reassurance, and understanding, helping them feel safe and heard. This conversation also fosters resilience, enables them to develop coping strategies, and encourages healthy emotional expression. Ultimately, it can be a vital step toward healing and building a more positive future for both the child and the non-abusive parent.
Why it matters:
- Children are more aware than adults think: Even if they don’t witness the violence directly, they often sense the tension and fear in the home.
- Silence can be harmful: Avoiding the topic can create confusion, fear, and even guilt in children, who may blame themselves for the violence.
- Behavioral issues may arise: Children may act out or withdraw as a way of expressing trauma they don’t know how to verbalize.
- Talking builds trust and safety: Honest conversations help children feel seen, heard, and supported, which is essential for healing.
How to talk to children about DV:
- Take the lead: Don’t wait for your child to bring it up—they may be too scared or confused.
- Start with support: Say things like, “I care about you and I will listen to you.”
- Be honest but age-appropriate: Use language your child can understand without overwhelming them.
- Reassure them: “It’s not your fault.” Nothing a child can do should trigger abuse, even if you were fighting about the children, the violence is not their fault. If your child called the police, it is very important that you explain that action in positive terms (mature, responsible, caring) and place the burden of the arrest on the abuser. Other reassuring statements include “Violence is never okay,” or “I’m doing everything I can to keep you safe.” It may seem obvious, but tell your children that you love them; they need to hear this, as it is comforting.
- Validate their feelings: Let them express anger, sadness, or confusion without judgment.
- “I know this was scary.” Acknowledge that they may be frightened and tell them you are there to take care of them.
- “I know this is confusing.” Acknowledge their feelings and don’t be afraid to admit some of yours. It is normal to be scared and confused by violence.
- Avoid burdening them: Don’t involve them in adult issues like custody or relationship decisions.
- Stick to routines: Stability helps children feel secure even in chaotic environments.
When you need help:
If you’re unsure how to start the conversation or feel overwhelmed:
- Reach out to an advocate for support: Our 24/7 Help & Crisis Line is (812) 336-0846. If you prefer to speak with an advocate over online chat, you can message confidentially here.
- Seek professional help: Therapists or counselors can help guide the conversation in a safe space for you and your children.
- Talk with trusted family members or friends.
Every situation involving domestic violence is unique and comes with its own set of circumstances. There may be times when the police or the Department of Child Services (DCS) are called into the situation. It’s important for parents to discuss the involvement of law enforcement without frightening their children or placing them in the middle of the conflict.
If children have witnessed the abuse or if a partner has been arrested, it is crucial to have an open conversation with them about what has happened. Even young children should receive an age-appropriate explanation to help them feel secure and understand that everyone is safe. For older children, it’s especially important to address the complexities of the situation, as they may have more questions and emotions to process. Offering reassurance and support can help them navigate their feelings and foster a sense of stability during this challenging time.
After an Arrest:
When discussing sensitive situations such as an arrest for domestic violence, it’s essential to approach the topic with sensitivity and awareness of the varied emotions involved. Victims might experience a whirlwind of feelings, including anger, frustration, confusion, and fear. These emotions can sometimes lead to intense expressions regarding the consequences they wish to impose on the perpetrator. While these feelings are completely valid, it’s crucial to bear in mind the potential impact of such expressions on children, especially if the arrested individual is their parent.
Children in these situations often find themselves in a turmoil of emotions. They might feel anxious, scared, or even guilty, thinking they are somehow responsible for the distressing situation unfolding around them. Hearing drastic or vengeful statements about their parent can exacerbate their fears and lead to further emotional confusion. It’s essential to foster an environment where children feel safe expressing their own emotions without the added weight of adult frustrations.
To support children effectively, it’s beneficial to reassure them that their feelings are valid. Validating their emotions helps them understand that it’s okay to feel worried or scared, and that they are not alone in their experiences. Encouraging open discussions about safety—what it means, how it feels, and why it’s necessary—can offer them a sense of security amidst the chaos. This can include gently explaining why the police are involved and their role in helping to keep everyone safe, which can alleviate some of their fears.
It’s also helpful to encourage children to ask questions about what they’re feeling and what they don’t understand. Providing truthful, age-appropriate answers can help demystify their worries and encourage communication. Exploring their feelings through age-appropriate activities—like drawing, storytelling, or role-playing—can also help them process the situation in a healthy manner.
Navigating such a sensitive topic requires care and understanding. It’s important to foster a safe emotional environment not only for the children but for all individuals involved in the situation. Encouraging empathy and understanding among family members can help transform a challenging situation into an opportunity for healing and growth. Supporting each other through patience and open dialogue will ensure that everyone can work towards emotional stability and healing in the aftermath of such distressing events.
Placing a Protective Order:
When discussing the process of filing a protective order with your children, it’s important to approach the conversation with care and sensitivity. Start by explaining the purpose of the protective order clearly and simply. You might say something like, “We’re taking these steps to make sure that everyone feels safe and secure. It’s not about punishing anyone; it’s about protecting ourselves.”
Emphasize that your primary concern is their well-being and safety. Reassure them that the goal is to create a safe environment for all, rather than seeking to place blame or cause distress. You could explain, “This is a difficult situation, and I want you to understand that we’re doing this because it’s necessary. We want to ensure that we can live without fear of harm.”
It’s also vital to address the potential consequences of the situation without creating fear or anxiety in your children. You might say, “Sometimes, if people don’t listen to warnings, there can be serious consequences, like jail time. But it’s important to remember that this is a choice that the adult makes; it is not something you should feel responsible for. You are not to blame for the decisions that adults make.”
Encourage your children to express any feelings or worries they may have about the situation. Listening to their concerns will help them feel heard and understood. You can offer reassurance by saying, “It’s okay to be scared or confused. I’m here for you, and we will get through this together.”
By framing the conversation in a way that emphasizes safety and understanding, you can help your children process the situation without placing undue stress on their shoulders.
The impact of violence on children is a pressing concern that demands our immediate attention. When children are exposed to violence, whether in their homes, communities, or through media, the consequences can be devastating and long-lasting. It affects their emotional and psychological development, leading to issues such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Moreover, witnessing or experiencing violence can hinder their ability to form healthy relationships. As the future generation, these children deserve an environment free from harm, where they can thrive and reach their full potential.
Perhaps you have heard someone say this, or perhaps you believe it: “Just because they physically harm their partner doesn’t mean they are a bad parent.” A mountain of research says otherwise. There are numerous impacts of domestic violence on children, and those children exposed to domestic violence:
- Children are three times more likely to repeat the violence they see.
- They are six times more likely to commit suicide.
- They are 50 times more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.
- They are 74 times more likely to commit violent crimes against another.
Whether or not children are physically abused, violence in the home affects all family members. Children whose parents are abused are denied the kind of home life that fosters healthy development. Most experts believe that children who are raised in abusive homes learn that violence is an effective way to resolve conflicts and problems.
A third of children who witness their parents being abused develop emotional problems. Boys who see one parent physically assault the other are ten times more likely to be abusive in their adult relationships.
Because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength, they may ally themselves with the abuser and lose respect for their seemingly helpless parent. Abusers typically play into this by putting down the other parent in front of the children and telling them that their parent is “crazy” or “stupid” and that they do not have to listen to them. Seeing their parent treated with enormous disrespect teaches children that they can disrespect people the way their abusive parent disrespects people.
If you’re experiencing violence at home and have a child, it’s incredibly important to reflect on your situation with both your safety and your child’s well-being in mind. Here are some thoughtful and compassionate questions to ask yourself:
- Has my child ever been affected by the violence?
- What has my child seen, heard, or sensed about the abuse?
- How is my child coping emotionally and behaviorally?
- What kind of future do I want for myself and my child?
- What do I gain by staying in a violent home?
- What do my children gain by growing up in a violent home?
- What do I have to lose by leaving? What do the children have to lose by leaving?
- What messages am I sending my child about relationships and safety?
- If my child were in a similar situation as an adult, what would I want them to do?
- What steps can I take to break the cycle of violence for my child’s sake?
- Do I know my legal rights regarding custody and protection?
- Do I have a safety plan in place for myself and my child?
- What do I need to stay safe and protect my children if I decide to leave?
- Who can I trust to help us in an emergency?
- Who can I talk to about my concerns?
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